


사랑해 (i love you)

by moontsukkis



Series: love and fall with junbob [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, bobby is an asshole here i’m sorry, fast forward to year 2022 or something, i just miss junbob, junbob, june is a total sweetheart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 06:33:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17239199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moontsukkis/pseuds/moontsukkis
Summary: when you have to try to be in lovethat already means it’s not lovewith love without the butterfliesonly attachment remains





	사랑해 (i love you)

01\. 사랑해 (i love you)

 

_We shared a life that wasn’t short_

_Our hearts matured_

_Rather than lovers, we were like family_

_Now whatever we do, feels like we already did it_

 

 

 

“Jiwon-hyung,” Junhoe whined as the older continued to spin him around the living room, hugging him closely by his waist. “Let me go, I’m getting dizzy!”

 

“No, I don’t want to!” Jiwon childishly replied, nuzzling his nose into the younger’s navel. Junhoe giggled as he hit Jiwon’s shoulder repeatedly.

 

Jiwon jumped towards their couch, dragging Junhoe down with him, and the younger released a high-pitched scream as the older laughed at his misery.

 

“Are you still not gonna let go of me?” Junhoe asked him once more as he tries to catch his breath. Jiwon just rested his chin on Junhoe’s shoulder, pressing soft and gentle kisses, making Junhoe squirm.

 

“Nope,” Jiwon replied, putting emphasis on the ‘p’. Junhoe laughed at this, and he pinched the older’s arm on his waist.

 

Then there was comfortable silence around them. Junhoe wished this moment would last forever. Jiwon was getting caught up in work again and he rarely came home because of it, but now that the older’s here, he couldn’t be more thankful.

 

“What do you wanna do today?” Junhoe whispered, for some reason, he feels small today. Or maybe it was just because he’s afraid Jiwon might disappear. Jiwon chuckled at the question. “I don’t know why but it feels like we already did everything.”

 

“Hm,” The younger replied. Then there was the silence again, but this time, it wasn’t comfortable anymore. What was that supposed to mean?

 

“Hyung.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You know you can tell me everything right? I’m always here for you.” Junhoe started, trying to get Jiwon to open up to him, but it didn’t turn out the way he wanted it to be. He felt Jiwon freeze behind him, and the older loosened his hold on Junhoe, like he was something that wasn’t supposed to be touched.

 

“Let’s go to sleep, yeah? I’m tired.” Jiwon said, letting go of Junhoe. He stood up, patting his clothes in an attempt to remove the ‘dust’. Junhoe felt cold again, the warmness fading away.

 

“It’s still early though?” Junhoe looked at the clock and saw that it was still 5 in the afternoon. He stared at Jiwon, waiting for an answer, but the older just brushed his hair up and walked his way upstairs, leaving Junhoe alone in the living room.

 

“I love you, hyung!” Junhoe screamed at him, making it sound like he’s happy. He waited for Jiwon to turn, but the older just continued walking towards their shared room. He barely heard the “love you too” from Jiwon before he heard the door shut.

 

 

 

_Now our answers have become short_

_Feeling the difference in the weight of our hearts_

_Our silence forecasts the end_

_On our lukewarm night_

 

 

“How was work today?” Junhoe asked Jiwon as he watched the older hang up his coat on the rack behind the door.

 

“It was fine.” Jiwon replied, immediately plopping down their shared bed. He didn’t even bother to remove his socks, and Junhoe knew how much it bothered Jiwon if one of them didn’t remove their socks before sleeping.

 

“Hyung, your socks?” Junhoe asked, moving closer to Jiwon to remove the older’s socks, but Jiwon just moved farther away from him.

 

“Something wrong?” Junhoe looked at him, confused and hurt by the sudden rejection. Usually, when Jiwon was tired, he’d let Junhoe pamper him. But not this time.

 

“Just tired.” Jiwon said.

 

Junhoe moved closer to him again, and fortunately, Jiwon didn’t pull away this time. “Want me to give you a massage?”

 

“That would be nice.” Jiwon muttered, his face buried in the sheets as Junhoe began to massage his shoulders. Junhoe expected the older to relax in his hands, but it just made Jiwon more tense.

 

“What’s happening?” Junhoe inquired again, determined to know what was wrong. Jiwon just sighed in response, and he didn’t say more. The younger just continued massaging him, giving up with the conversation. Time passes by, and Jiwon slowly falls asleep in Junhoe’s hold. 

 

_You had high expectations_

_And I was really tired_

_Would we be different_

_If we understood each other a little more?_

 

 

“Junhoe, try to understand me.” Jiwon sighed for the nth time, shaking the younger’s arms, but Junhoe didn’t falter.

 

“Hyung, I understand. I always do. I did nothing but to understand you and the situation we’re in,” Junhoe replied, burying his face in his own hands. “But this is too much.”

 

“What do you mean ‘too much’?” Jiwon half yelled, as he felt the anger rising up in this chest. Junhoe’s eyes went wide at the sudden change of attitude, but he needed to stand up for himself. For their relationship.

 

“You’re always at work!” Junhoe said, trying his very best to calm down. “You don’t even come home anymore. And you refuse to let me visit you just to send you food because you haven’t been eating lately.”

 

“What are you, my mom?” Jiwon was angry now. He chuckled sarcastically, dark eyes never leaving the younger. “I can take care of myself, Junhoe.”

 

“I’m not your mom, but I’m your boyfriend!” Junhoe screams, finally letting go. “And stop making this about you, this is about us! Our relationship!”

 

“You knew what you got yourself into when you decided to stay with me, Junhoe. You knew how it works.” Jiwon said, pushing his finger into Junhoe’s chest, making the younger lose his balance before he regains it.

 

“I never thought it would be this bad.” Junhoe felt tears clouding his eyes. He wanted to stop talking, but he had to let this out. He’s had enough.

 

“If you think that I can sit here all alone, thinking about what did I wrong for you to ignore me while you work your ass off in that goddamn studio, then you expect too much of me.” He harshly wiped his tears away with his wrist, eyes locking into the older’s who was out of words.

 

“I’m not a robot, hyung. I get hurt and tired too.” Junhoe said, sniffing, before storming off. Jiwon was left in the living room like how he left Junhoe alone that one Sunday afternoon, dumbfounded at the younger’s words.

 

 

_When you have to try to be in love_

_That already means it’s not love_

_With love without the butterflies_

_Only attachment remains_

 

 

Junhoe was about to enter their bedroom that one Thursday evening, when he heard voices on the other side of the door. Jiwon was talking to someone over the phone.

 

“Donghyuk-ah, you know I’m trying.” He heard Jiwon say. Why was the older talking to Junhoe’s best friend? Junhoe was puzzled.

 

“You know Junhoe doesn’t deserve this,” He heard Donghyuk say on the other side of the line. He had his best friend on loud speaker. Junhoe thanked the heavens that Jiwon decided to be dumb today.

 

But what was that Junhoe didn’t deserve?

 

“I know. Didn’t I tell you already? I’m _trying_ my best to love him again.”

 

Junhoe’s whole world broke down into pieces. It was like all the air in his lungs had left him. Trying to love him again? He really heard that from Jiwon’s mouth? He wanted to laugh. Laugh at how dumb he was not to notice. The way Jiwon drives off the conversation whenever they’re talking about them, or the way he removes his hand whenever Junhoe tries to link their hands together.

 

Jiwon didn’t love him anymore.

 

He heard Jiwon end the call.

 

Desperate to hide from the elder, Junhoe ran to the guest’s room, knocking some things over. He couldn’t even see properly, his tears were blinding his sight and they were flowing like a waterfall.

 

He ended up in what used to be his room, when he and Jiwon were still not a couple.

 

He locked the door as he slid down to the floor, sobbing. He didn’t know where did it go wrong. He couldn’t even think of a proper reason why Jiwon would do that.

 

Was he too much of a fuck up? Was it because he was too needy and demanding for the elder’s attention? Was it because Jiwon got tired of dealing with his snarky attitude?

 

He really wished he was dreaming.

 

“Junhoe?”

 

He heard knocks coming from outside, but he paid no mind to them. Instead, he walked towards his old bed, smushed his face in the pillows which muffled his cries.

 

He waited for Jiwon to knock again, to show some concern, to ask him what was wrong, but it was silent again.

 

Junhoe can’t remember when was the last time he cried that much.

 

 

 

_I love you, still (boy)_

_I love you_

_I’m still in love with you boy_

_I’m still in love with you_

 

 

 **내 사랑 주내** 💙

Come home tonight? I prepared food!!!

It’s your favorite hehe

6:43 PM

 

 **내 사랑 주내** 💙

I can see that you can read this, hyung

Does this mean that you’re coming home?

7:10 PM

 

 **지원형아** 💜

‘m not coming home tonight. got some important stuff to do. gnight

10:57 PM

 

 **내 사랑 주내** 💙

Okay.

Good night, I love you.

10:57 PM

 

 

 

_We lived our own lives_

_And on our way to each other_

_We already ran out of breath_

_Even though we missed each other_

 

 

“June-ya, let me make it up to you.”

 

Junhoe looked up from his phone to look at Jiwon who was smiling down at him. Junhoe was pleasantly surprised. When was the last time Jiwon actually initiated something?

 

A hum was Junhoe’s only reply, an indication for the older to continue talking.

 

“There’s this one Japanese restaurant that just opened, it serves Yakisoba!” Jiwon said happily which put a smile on Junhoe’s face. He didn’t know the older remembered his favorite Japanese dish.

 

“I don’t know hyung, I actually wanted to rest today.” Junhoe retorted, testing if Jiwon will persuade him to go out, or if he’ll just leave Junhoe alone.

 

“Ey, where’s my fun June?” Jiwon said, crossing his arms playfully. “Come on, hyung missed you. Let’s go eat.” And Junhoe lets himself be pulled by his lover.

 

Junhoe missed this.

 

 

 

_When we see each other, we’re busy grinding our teeth_

_You flip over your phone and you’re getting a call_

_Who is it? Why aren’t you picking up?_

_Another secret forms_

 

 

“Hi, I’m your waiter for today, Kim Hanbin. What can I get you?”

 

Junhoe smiled at the waiter and then proceeded to point out his orders to the male. He even asked Hanbin what were their specialties and instead of getting annoyed at Junhoe’s loud personality, Hanbin was actually amused.

 

“Hanbin-ssi, what is this dish made up of?”

 

What Junhoe didn’t notice during their conversation was the longing stares Jiwon was sending to the waiter. Junhoe was busy flipping the pages of the menu over, mumbling excitedly.

 

Hanbin was no longer paying attention to what the younger was saying, his eyes trained on Jiwon and Jiwon only.

 

“Oh right! Jiwon hyung, what would you like?” Junhoe asked his lover, cursing himself mentally as he forgot to ask Jiwon what was his order before he talked his heart out.

 

“Uhh,” Jiwon diverted his eyes away from Hanbin as he looked at Junhoe. He returned the younger’s hopeful smile as he scanned through the menu.

 

“This one, please.” He said, pointing his order out to Hanbin who was smirking subtly.

 

“Mhm, thank you, sir. Another waiter will me bringing your food. I hope you’ll enjoy your meal.” Hanbin said, winking at both Junhoe at Jiwon. To Junhoe, it was just a harmless gesture, Hanbin was kind and sweet, and was very patient with the two. But to Jiwon, it was a completely different thing.

 

“He’s nice, don’t you think hyung?” Junhoe asked, smiling. Jiwon immediately replied, startled by the question. “Of course he is.”

 

Jiwon’s phone began to rang after that, which made Junhoe snap to look at him. Jiwon carefully put out his phone, checking to see who was calling. But instead of answering it, he just declined it and put it back down to his pocket.

 

“Who was that hyung?” Junhoe curiously asked. Jiwon’s not the type to cut off someone like that, so it must’ve been someone that pissed him off.

 

“Nothing. Just someone from work.” Jiwon replied shortly, dropping the conversation.

 

“Okay.” The younger replied, but he still wasn’t satisfied with the answer. Junhoe went back to typing on his phone, completely ignorant to the fact that Jiwon was gesturing something to man behind the counter.

 

 

 

_Worries seem like doubt_

_What if’s become reality, we’re both obsessing_

_No strength to talk out the misunderstandings_

_Just saying sorry_

 

 

“Why was Hanbin in the studio with you?” Junhoe asked as soon as Jiwon stepped inside their home.

 

He was sitting on their couch, eyes never leaving the television but Jiwon knew the question was directed at him.

 

“Who told you?” Was his reply. Junhoe never went to the studio, because Jiwon told him not to do so. Who would’ve known that Hanbin was there?

 

“Donghyuk. He told me he was recording a track with you. ‘Secret’, was it?” Junhoe answered. He wasn’t doubting Jiwon or anything (okay, maybe he was), it was just weird that Hanbin would be at the studio because the last time Junhoe remembered he was a fucking _waiter_.

 

Jiwon sighed. He knew where this was heading.

 

“June-ya, Hanbin is a producer too. He works with me, and Donghyuk does too.” Jiwon explained, sitting on the empty space right next to Junhoe. Jiwon looked at the younger, but Junhoe didn’t budge.

 

“Okay. Sorry for asking,” Junhoe replied, his face blank. He wasn’t even watching the show, he just didn’t want to look Jiwon in the eye especially because he knew the older was lying.

 

He knew that Hanbin started showing up at Jiwon’s studio since they met at the restaurant.

He knew that Hanbin works with Jiwon only, and not with Donghyuk.

He knew all of that, and all of the things Jiwon thought he doesn’t know.

 

How Hanbin rested his head on Jiwon’s lap after hours of recording, how he would feed Jiwon with the ramen they bought from the nearest convenience store, how Jiwon would kiss sleeping Hanbin in his arms a goodnight before dozing off.

 

It all happens in the studio. Where they thought everything would be kept a secret, where they thought Junhoe wouldn’t know.

 

They were wrong.

 

But Junhoe didn’t say a thing. He loved Jiwon too much to let him go.

 

 

 

_Before we noticed, we slowly grew apart_

_Because of that, we need to shout at each other now_

_In order for each other to hear_

_God boy, what do we do?_

 

 

 

Junhoe shaked, a sob racked his body as he threw the cushion at Jiwon who was just staring at him sadly.

 

“Why?” Was all Junhoe said, before crying so hard he couldn’t even breathe properly. Jiwon scooted closer to him. He wanted to comfort the younger, that was the least he can do for him. But Junhoe continued to move farther and farther away from him, as he desperately tried to move closer.

 

“I’m sorry, June.”

 

God, Junhoe wished a single sorry would fix everything. He really wished it would, that it would take them back to when they were still happy with each other, when Jiwon’s feelings were still there. When the older was still in love with him, just like how he is.

 

But that won’t happen.

 

“Since when!” Junhoe yelled.

 

“Since that day I hugged you and I threw us over this couch.”

 

Jiwon knew how much Junhoe hated crying, showing his weak and vulnerable side, and it hurt Jiwon knowing that he was the one who caused this, the one who broke the younger’s heart, the one who tore Junhoe to pieces.

 

“Why?” Junhoe asked again, this time much more softer, but the rage he feels inside his body continues to intensify. He wanted to know where he went wrong, what could he do to be better than Hanbin, what-

 

“He just, has some things you don’t have.”

 

And with that, not only did his heart break, but also his walls he spent years trying to build ever since he was a child. It was like the world was crashing down on him. He was never going to be enough for anybody.

 

There was a moment of silence. Then Junhoe’s phone suddenly began to ring. Both Junhoe and Jiwon looked at the phone that was ringing at the center table, as if they’re both not sure if they should answer it.

 

Jiwon was just looking at Junhoe who was trying to calm himself down, and he watched as the younger picked up his phone. Junhoe put the phone on loudspeaker once he saw who was the caller, making Jiwon confused.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Junhoe?”

 

Jiwon’s eyes went wide as he heard his brother’s voice from the phone.

 

“Hello, Jiun-hyung.”

 

“Why are you crying? Did Jiwon hurt you?”

 

Jiwon wanted to get out of the house at that moment.

 

“Ah, no hyung. I was just watching some drama when you called.”

 

“Thank goodness, I was about to beat him up if he ever hurt you.” Jiun chuckled, and Jiwon watched as Junhoe faked a laugh in order for his brother not to notice that he really was hurting. It was painful.

 

“Why are you calling, hyung?”

 

“Ah! Raon wanted to talk to you, is that okay? He wouldn’t leave me alone for hours because he wanted me to call you.”

 

“Hyung, you know I’ll do anything for Raon, right?”

 

“Thank you June-ya. Jiwon’s so lucky to have someone like you in his life,” Then there was a pause. Jiun expected a snarky response from Junhoe, something along the lines of ‘I know, hyung’ but when nothing came, he was puzzled.

 

Jiwon stayed eerily silent as he listened to their conversation. He didn’t move a bit when he saw a tear trickle down the younger’s face.

 

“I’m giving the phone over to Raon now, okay?”

 

“Raon-ah?”

 

“J-June hyung!” The playful voice of Raon filled the quiet room, as he happily called Junhoe’s name.

 

“H-hello Raon-ah,” Junhoe stuttered. For some reason, he couldn’t stop his tears when he heard Raon on the other line. Maybe it was because he remembered Jiwon promising him that he would take him to the States so that he can finally meet cute, little Raon.

 

“June hyung, why are you crying?”

 

“It’s nothing, baby,” Junhoe smiled, as if Raon can see him. To the older, Junhoe wasn’t convincing Jiwon’s nephew, he sounded like he was convincing himself.

 

“Hyung, stop crying!” He can hear Raon trying to fake his anger to get Junhoe to stop crying, and if he wasn’t broken, he would’ve squealed at the child’s cuteness. But instead of stopping, Junhoe just continued. He had to move the phone away for Raon not to hear.

 

Jiwon just stared at him. He felt his eyes brimming with tears as he witness the love of his life break down in front of him. Donghyuk was right. He was an asshole, and Junhoe didn’t deserve any of this.

 

He can still hear the worried babbles coming from the other line, so Junhoe forced himself to stay composed and after a few deep breaths, he brought the phone to his ears again.

 

“June hyung’s going to be fine. I promise.”

 

 

 

_We still have a bit of attachment_

_For each other so_

_I just wanna leave it like this_

_Beautifully_

 

 

Jiwon woke up with a lot of bags laying around his and Junhoe’s shared bedroom. Junhoe has stopped sleeping in here after what happened with the confrontation, and Jiwon was okay with that.

 

He also needed all the time to think about what he should do. About what he really wants.

 

Junhoe entered the room, with a bunch of snacks in hand, one of them being Jiwon’s favorite. He paid no attention to the now awake Jiwon as he continued to walk around the bags.

 

He left Jiwon’s favorite on the table before stashing the others inside a black plastic bag that was laying on the side of the bed.

 

“June-ya, what are you doing?” It was the only question Jiwon could formulate now.

 

“Hanbin called me. He said he would stay here starting today. Figured I should get my things and move out.” Junhoe replied calmly, struggling with his bags like he wasn’t affected by any of this.

 

Junhoe already made up his mind. He remembered Hanbin calling him at the crack of dawn, telling Junhoe that Jiwon told him to move with him. Junhoe didn’t need to be told twice. He knows when he’s not wanted.

 

It hurts as hell, sure, but he would rather leave his home than to stay here to witness his (ex-)lover and his new boyfriend being all lovey dovey. Junhoe couldn’t handle that. Just the thought of it makes Junhoe sick.

 

Jiwon sat up, surprised at what he heard. He and Hanbin never talked about moving together. And most definitely not at his and Junhoe’s home. Jiwon could never.

 

“But I-“

 

“No need, he explained everything to me. It’s fine, really,” Junhoe replied, checking the bags if they were all complete before dragging two luggages outside the room.

 

Jiwon stood up, chasing after Junhoe who’s bringing the luggages outside. “Junhoe, wait!”

 

Junhoe looked back at the panting Jiwon who was right behind him. “What’s the matter?” He asked, concerned.

 

“Look, I....”

 

“You?” Junhoe raised his eyebrow at the older. When three minutes pass by and Jiwon says nothing, he continues to drag his bags outside. Jiwon doesn’t move.

 

He sees Jinhwan resting his back against his black Mercedes. He waves at the red haired, who walks to him to help with his bags, smiling brightly.

 

“Junhoe, you’re really moving out?” Jiwon started, making Junhoe halt in his steps. He lets Jinhwan grab his bags as he faced Jiwon.

 

“But we bought this house for us. This is our home,” Jiwon pointed out, as if Junhoe doesn’t know that. Junhoe sighed at the older’s words.

 

“Why didn’t you think about that when you told Hanbin hyung to move in?”

 

“But I didn’t tell-“

 

“Jiwon hyung, I’m making this easier for the both of us. I just want you to be happy.” Junhoe muttered. He felt like crying again, but he got to keep his head high up. He couldn’t break down again, his pride wouldn’t let him.

 

He was about to turn and go, but he felt hands wrap around his waist. He tried to remove the tight grip with his hands, but it was no use. Jiwon was so much stronger than him anyways.

 

“Hyung, please.”

 

Jiwon made up his mind.

 

“Junhoe, listen to me.”

 

 

 

_If this heart break is foolish_

_I’ll endure it for love_

_Because you used to only know me_

_Because I used to only know you_

 

 

“Kim Jiwon!”

 

Junhoe took the chance to flee away from Jiwon’s hands when a scream of Jiwon’s name was heard not from far away.

 

Kim Hanbin.

 

“Koo Junhoe, nice to meet you again.” Hanbin smiled at the younger once he got close, offering a hand. Junhoe shaked his hand, still stumbling over his words.

 

“Hello, Hanbin-hyung.”

 

“Thank you for being cool about this Junhoe, I really appreciate it.” Hanbin told him to which he gave a nod in response. Even though he and Jiwon cheated on him, Hanbin was still a nice guy. Junhoe couldn’t get mad at him.

 

“It’s nothing,” Junhoe replied, but deep inside his heart is breaking. Of course it can’t be nothing. It used to be Junhoe and Jiwon, now it’s Hanbin and Jiwon.

 

Junhoe hated to admit it but the latter sounded a bit better to his ears. Maybe this was for the best.

 

Junhoe leaned down to whisper something to Hanbin before he officially leaves. “Take care of him, for me.”

 

Hanbin looked at him straight in the eyes, and Junhoe can see the sadness in it. Junhoe smiled, in an effort to cheer the older, and he even sent a thumbs up in his way. “I will.” He finally replied.

 

Throughout their whole conversation, Jiwon stayed rooted in his place, speechless.

 

“Junhoe, baby, let’s go?” Jinhwan appeared right in front of the two, and Hanbin raised an eyebrow at him.

 

“Let’s go then.”

 

Junhoe grabs Jinhwan’s waiting hand and stops when Jinhwan opens the door for him. He took a one last look at the house he and Jiwon used to share. Their home.

 

“Happy new year, Hanbin.”

 

“Happy new year, Jiwon.”

 

He went inside the car as Jinhwan shut the door for him. He saw Jiwon through the car windows. He was crying, staring at Junhoe, while Hanbin was rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort him. Junhoe tried not to think about it too much. Maybe the older will just miss him, because he was used to having Junhoe around.

 

It’s too late anyways.

 

 

 

_I love you_

_Good bye my love good bye_

_Good bye my love good bye_

_Good bye my love good bye_

_Good bye good bye_

 

 

As Jinhwan started driving and they were slowly moving away from the house, Junhoe started crying.

 

What he didn’t see was Jiwon screaming for his name, Kim Jiwon who was running to catch up with them.

 

“Koo Junhoe!”

 

Junhoe thought it was just his imagination, he was way too in love with Jiwon to the point that he can still hear his voice even though he was meters away. He shaked his head as he put on his earphones. He really needed to work on a lot of things in order to move on.

 

“I love you!”

 

Jiwon’s words were left unheard.

 

And if Jinhwan saw everything that happened right after they took off through the rear view mirror, he didn’t say anything.

**Author's Note:**

> you finished it, really? sorry if it was bad and if there are grammatical errors, i just did this in just 3 hours. this is my first fanfic too hhh anyways thanks for reading 💙💜


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